Where would your money be safe if the Eurozone collapsed?

From platinum and foreign funds to renewables, guns and tarpaulin.

An apocalyptic London - where would your money be safe if the Eurozone collapsed?

Follow me: @bex_hobson and @LondonLovesBiz

What happens if the Eurozone collapses, the FTSE 100 crashes, if Armageddon takes hold?

Here at LondonlovesBusiness.com we like to be prepared for anything and everything. With this in mind, we’ve borrowed the DEFCON system of defence from our American cousins and outlined alternative investment solutions for your cash.

Remember, fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

DEFCON 5: Lowest state of readiness

Greece has defaulted. Portugal, Italy, Ireland receive unprecedented bailouts from the European Central Bank. The Euro crisis continues to bubble away, with little economic growth across Europe and rising unemployment 

Low volatility shares: They might seem a little boring, but these staples of the stock market have never been safer as the markets continue to move from bullish to bearish with little warning. Their returns might be modest but, hopefully, they’re at least consistent.

Platinum: For years gold has been a traditional safe haven in times of uncertainty. But following its meteoritic rise in the late noughties, the metal seems to have peaked – at least for the time being. Platinum meanwhile, one of the rarest of the all special metals, is still lucrative for jewellery and as one of the primary components in catalytic converters. As emerging markets begin introducing tougher environmental sanctions, the cost of platinum could boom as auto-catalysts are made mandatory.

Read this article for more information

Foreign funds: Investing in foreign funds such as those in the Far East or BRIC economies could be a good alternative to unstable European indexes. Foreign funds provide investors with access to international markets only, and are not to be confused with global funds where investors can invest in securities from any country, including their own.

Read Bloomberg for up to date market analysis on Far East funds

DEFCON 4: Increased intelligence watch and strengthened security measures

France defaults. The Eurozone looks increasingly shaky; governments begin printing their former currencies. The euro starts depreciating, Merkel and Sarkozy look scared

Wine: With the French bankrupt, prices on their most beloved export are slashed and continue to fall. Vineyards go bust. Panic buying of wine leads to extraordinary price fluctuations as gleeful British buyers hoover up bankrupt French stock. Château Petrus for £90 a bottle? Grab it while you can.

Read more about investing in wine here

Blindly diversify your portfolio: “Broadly diversified portfolios limit volatility,” has for a long time been City guru Justin Urquhart Stewart’s mantra. But now, with DEFCON 3 only one step away, we say take it further – a lot further. Hedging your risk has never been more important. This is time to take it to the next level, invest in all types of shares and something, somewhere, must come back.

Loft conversions : Pension funds are underperforming catastrophically. But we’re still alive and living longer. Where to put your parents and yourself when there’s no money left in the state or the private sector for care? Convert your loft and provide your own mini nursing home. Sound ridiculous?

This site promises to help you get you started  

DEFCON 3: Increase in force readiness above that required for normal readiness   

The FTSE, the Dax and the Cac 40 have crashed. The euro has plummeted to 30 cents to the pound. Neither Sarkozy nor Merkel are anywhere to be seen. Preparations are underway for Euroscepticbury, a two-day festival in Chipping Norton over the May bank holiday 2014. Headliners include 50 Cent.

Holidays packages and time shares: With the euro having dropped to 30 cents to the pound and governments desperately printing their former currencies in preparation for a Eurozone breakup, now’s the time to buy up tour operator stocks as non-Eurozone residents take advantage of cheap holidays in Europe. Thomas Cook could see its fortunes reversed.

Thomas Cook share price information

Water: Last year the south-east declared a state of drought. Since then the summer of 2012 has been one of the driest in decades while the Eurozone crisis has completely overshadowed the concurrent water shortage. European directives will soon be a thing of the past as countries vie desperately for their share of the continent’s water. If you haven’t done so already, now is the time to invest in water.

Read London 2025: desert capital

Diamonds: Once upon a time these were a girl’s best friend. Now, with Europe bankrupt and World War Three imminent, one of the hardest known materials to man is fast becoming everyone’s best friend. Virtually indestructible, light and easy to carry, they’re perfect for jumping borders when all hell breaks loose. Start investing in diamonds now.

DEFCON 2: Next step to nuclear war

The Eurozone is no longer. The dream is over. The demise of the euro has had a catastrophic impact on the UK’s economy. One by one banks and other multi-nationals have relocated to the BRICs leaving their employees redundant.  It’s rumoured Sarkozy and Merkel were last seen in Paris Charles de Gaulle airport boarding a flight to Guadeloupe

Pre-fab homes and tarpaulin: House repossessions are up by a staggering 650 per cent. Low-cost housing is in high demand. With no money left in the State pot, people are building their own slums. Prices for tarpaulin and prefabricated homes are rising steadily. Invest now, the situation is forecast to only get worse.

Finnforest Finnlife Helsinki Log Cabin

White Transit Vans and lorries: The Radio 1 loving, unruly drivers with a penchant for Greggs sausage rolls and looking down women cyclist’s t-shirts, are fast becoming national heroes as they begin moving the ambitious, young and wealthy out of the UK. To the horror of the British upper-class, the ubiquitous man-with-a-van has ditched the day rate and charges by the two-munfs as he ferries people across Western Europe into newly flourishing cities like Dubrovnik and Istanbul. While getting hold of a van is nigh impossible, HGVs are beginning to come on the market as more and more businesses go under. Buy as many as you can.

DEFCON 1: Nuclear war is imminent

War among former Eurozone countries has broken out. Recently independent Scotland is on red alert after Portuguese war ships were spotted heading for the Shetland Islands. Choice of the mob Harry Redknapp is acting prime minister since the breakdown of representative government. Boris and Ken are both MIA.

Micro power and renewable energies:  With civil war in England imminent, keeping the lights on is becoming increasingly difficult. At this point solar photovoltaic panels, which convert sunlight into electricity, and solar thermal panels, which turn solar energy into heat will become widely sought after as self-sufficiency moves from fad to essential. Buy solar panels now, wait for the lights to go out and sell them at a profit.

How to buy solar panels

Guns:  Nobody trusts anybody. Relations between Scotland, England and Wales are at their worst for centuries. Crime is rising rapidly with burglaries at endemic levels. The Queen has promised to remain at the palace regardless what happens. Kate, Will and the baby have long since fled to Canberra. Harry is thought to be either in Havana or Rio de Janeiro. Invest in weaponry now. All types.      





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