Portuguese professor pans “promiscuous” and “pathologically violent” Brits in bestselling book

A Portuguese professor at Imperial College, who is an expert in theoretical physics, has turned his hand away from slamming particles together, to instead slam all aspects of bad British behaviour in a bestselling book.

Joao Magueijo, describes the UK as having “one of the most rotten societies in the world”, and says that “The English are unrestrained wild beasts and are totally out of control.”

He adds that the English are “always fighting. I never met such a group of animals. English culture is pathologically violent.”

The book, which is titled Bifes Mal Pasados (Undercooked Beef), has already sold 20,000 copies in Portugal, and is dedicated to the Queen of England.

In addition to our customary constant fighting, Magueijo also takes issue with our customary constant drinking.

In a completely accurate and in no way hyperbolic description of how we consume alcohol, he writes: “It is not unusual to drink 12 pints, or two huge buckets of beer, per person.”

“Even a horse would get drunk with this but in England it is standard practice.

“In England real men have to drink like sponges, eat like skeletons and throw up everything at the end of the evening.”

It’s high praise indeed.

Drinking pub beer men London

This could get nasty - pathologically violent men get stuck into their usual 12 pints of beer at a pub in London

But it’s not just the men of England for whom Magueijo reserves withering judgement. The fair ladies of England have been written off by the professor too.

Yes, Magueijo describes a colourful scene at the University of Cambridge, where he witnessed an inebriated female student vomiting at the table during a formal dinner, who then carried on “eating, drinking and shouting nonsense as if nothing had happened”.

Street brawl 17th century

A street brawl in 17th Century London

He doesn’t like our lavatories either. Here’s what he says about our bogs: “When you visit English homes, or the toilets at schools or in student lodgings, they are all so disgusting that even my grandmother’s poultry cage is cleaner.”

Other highlights include a description of A&E on a Saturday night as looking like “a field hospital after battle”, and he provides a spot-on description of Blackpool as “a good place to see human whales”.

“People in the north are incredibly obese. Men and women with three-metre waists made of fat and lard,” he adds.

The hilarious 188-page diatribe is the product of 25 years living and experiencing the UK, and has been in the top five most popular books in Portugal for the last five months.

But Magueijo does have some positive feeling towards the UK.

Speaking to the Sunday Times, he said: “I do not fear any backlash. I trust the British sense of humour.”

He also said that loves British “tolerance, the creativity, the madness of the people. I’d had so many awful experiences attempting to have holidays in the UK that I thought they could serve as a good narrative backbone, Fawlty Towers-style.”

Well, LondonlovesBusiness.com has a rejoinder for Magueijo. As Basil Fawlty himself says: “Stupidissimo! Continental cretin!”

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