Apple's new iPhone is coming out. Here are the new functions we hope it features

Smartphones eh? They are all the rage.

iPhone broken screen

It’s a hazy memory, but I can remember way back in 2007, when I first came across an iPhone.

A man wearing a leather jacket was at the bar of a pub waving one about and ranting-on like he’d found the holy grail. “It’s been sent back in time from the future!” he lied, while swiping some icons around the screen.

Since then, there have been six more iterations of Apple’s expensive shiny box, numerous intervening updates, and a lot of very passionate people wiping their fingers across screens.

Every year the same thing happens: Apple’s annual unveiling normally means the addition of a few more bits of techno-bling to the electro-guts inside the telephone: more megapixels in the camera, more processing power in the computing department, a more touch sensitive screen, blah blah blah. If the screens get any more sensitive, they’re going to need counselling for emotional trauma.

Let’s be honest, we’re now so used to smartphones’ features and the insignificant improvements that each new iteration brings, the whole thing is one huge yawn-fest and a colossal media charade.

There’s nothing that Tim Cook can cook-up since last September that’s really going to make us throw our lunch at the ground and wonder at the limitlessness of technology.

Instead, most of us will probably just give a glazed nod, eat some processed ham, and wait for the new iPhone to come to us next time we get an upgrade. Woo. Apple. Progress. Ham.

If the techno-wizards at Apple really want to bewitch their audience, then chucking a few megapixels at us isn’t going to cut the mustard anymore.

Here are the functions we would like to see the new iPhone 6s feature:

1. Jetpack

Jet Pack idea ham

Way back 300 years ago in 1965, Sean Connery had a working jetpack for the film Thunderball. It was powered by hydrogen peroxide and clever filming techniques. At the time, computers were the size of skyscrapers, and telephones had to be attached to wires. Given the advances in computing and telephony, surely the team working on jetpack technology could have DONE BETTER and today we could all be whirring through the sky with iPhones attached to our belts - or to our heads perhaps.

2. Teasmaid

Teasmade machines at the science museum

Teasmade machines at the science museum. Catch up Apple

Since Steve Jobs first gave birth to the iPhone, it has always had an alarm clock function to help interrupt your sleep, allowing you to get up and go to work to earn money to buy new iPhones.

After being woken up by mechanical means was achieved by early alarm clocks in 1847, the next logical step was realised in the 1890s, but as of yet it has still not made it into the iPhone’s techno-arsenal. The Teasmade was an alarm clock and a tea-making machine rolled into one. It may not have had a HD camera or the Ashley Madison “Sell my Wife” app, but at least you could wake up to a hot cup of tea.

3. Medical nanobot function

Nanobot technology

Nanobot technology is an emerging branch of medical research and it should definitely be included in the new iPhone. Using an app and a hypodermic needle, you could inject tiny robots into yourself and pilot them while they swim about in the various fluids inside your body. You would be able to investigate what that hernia looks like up close, how much damage that tequila party did to your liver, have a look at the contents of your large intestine, or just measure key homeostatic processes to check you are still alive. You could even share your gruesome footage and medical results online!

4. Dream catcher

Dream catcher 622

Dream catchers have been used by certain Native American tribes for millennia, but we are still waiting for an Apple update on the popular bedside appliance.

A fully modernised dream catcher in an iPhone would have full access to your mind (useful for personalised advertising), could prevent nightmares, night terrors, and all associated unpleasantness, and would record your dreams so that you can play them back and relive all the disjointed weirdness in full HD when you’re fully awake.

5. Laser pen

Laser Pen

It’s 2015 and we’re still waiting for an iPhone with a laser. Absurd.

6. Total Perspective Vortex/ Point of View Gun

Milky Way

The Total Perspective Vortex is a Douglas Adams creation, which allows the user to see the whole limitless infinity of the expanding universe, and their own insignificant position within it. That should definitely go into the next iTelephone.

Also useful might be Adams’ Point of View gun. You would point your iPhone at someone’s head, press a button, and through the power of bio-technology, or perhaps virtual reality, you would be able to experience things from your target’s point of view. A useful empathy tool in today’s fast-paced self-involved world.

7. Drink-drive takeover

Drink driving

There must be an app for this

Come on, this technology must nearly be here. People like driving, and people love drinking. And secretly, many people love the illicit thrill of drink-driving. What the new iPhone should do is trick drunk people into thinking they are driving, when actually, the iPhone is doing all the driving. The drunk driver becomes nothing more than a ridiculous toddler with a backseat steering wheel clenched in their stupid fist.

8. Talk to dead people

Ouija board

Haven’t thought this one through yet, but then again, I’m not an “Apple Genius” like those guys wearing blue shirts in the Apple shops. Perhaps they can work it out. Maybe it could involve some sort of Ouija board function combined with medical records. Haley Joel Osment could develop it.

9. Collapse of consumer capitalism gauge

Armageddon

This would be similar to the Doomsday Clock - the symbolic clock face that counts down to global catastrophe. The collapse of consumer capitalism clock could use similar end-of-the-world detecting software to predict how many more incarnations of the iPhone our species will see before we are wiped out.

It could show up in the top left hand corner, a bit like the bars indicating signal, only counting down to Armageddon.

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Readers' comments (2)

  • Michael Smith

    Yawn. You are hilarious. I keep trying to figure out if LondonLovesBusiness is a serious publication worthy of my time but I think you've just answered that.
    I've just discovered the Guardian Small Business Network. Suck it up - this is what you could have been, if you had ever grown up.

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  • Apple fan boys and girls won't like this article simply because they are apple fan boys and girls. But the truth about Smartphones companies like Apple is that their phones simply get re-tuned every year and we're urged to upgrade to the next best thing. I think the industry has plateaued and there is really nothing more to sell order than larger phones with pixel saturated screens and over clocked processors, order than that there's really nothing more to it. A 3 GB ram phone can be clocked to run just as fast as 4gb ram phone if you know how to do that. Nothing new under the sun!

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