Boris Johnson’s 19 wittiest quotes

The London mayor has a way with words

Just as you start to entertain the notion that there’s no brain at all in the Mayor of London’s head, Boris always redeems himself with a pithy comment or a wry notion.

This week it was a response to Donald Trump, who bafflingly said parts of London were “so radicalised the police are afraid for their lives”.

In response, Boris said: “As a city where more than 300 languages are spoken, London has a proud history of tolerance and diversity and to suggest there are areas where police officers cannot go because of radicalisation is simply ridiculous.

“I would welcome the opportunity to show Mr Trump first hand some of the excellent work our police officers do every day in local neighbourhoods throughout our city.

“Crime has been falling steadily both in London and in New York - and the only reason I wouldn’t go to some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump.”

Here are his all-time best quotes:

  1. “If we judged everybody by the stupid, unguarded things they blurt out to their nearest and dearest, then we wouldn’t ever get anywhere.”
  2. “My speaking style was criticised by no less an authority than Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a low moment, my friends, to have my rhetorical skills denounced by a monosyllabic Austrian cyborg.”
  3. “Never in my life did I think I would be congratulated by Mick Jagger for achieving anything.”
  4. “I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn’t go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.”
  5. “But if people want to swim in the Thames, if they want to take their lives into their own hands, then they should be able to do so with all the freedom and exhilaration of our woad-painted ancestors.”
  6. “My policy on cake is pro having it and pro eating it.”
  7. “I can hardly condemn UKIP as a bunch of boss-eyed, foam-flecked Euro hysterics, when I have been sometimes not far short of boss-eyed, foam-flecked hysteria myself.”
  8. “My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.”
  9. “I’ve slept with far fewer than 1,000 [people]”
  10. “Exams work because they’re scary”
  11. “A horse is a safer bet than the trains”.
  12. “Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.”
  13. “It is possible to have a pretty good life and career being a leech and a parasite in the media world, gadding about from TV studio to TV studio, writing inconsequential pieces and having a good time.”
  14. “There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge.”
  15. “My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.”
  16. “There is no point in wasting any more moral or mental energy in being jealous of the very rich. They are no happier than anyone else; they just have more money. We shouldn’t bother ourselves about why they want all this money, or why it is nicer to have a bath with gold taps. How does it hurt me, with my 20-year-old Toyota, if somebody else has a swish Mercedes? We both get stuck in the same traffic.”
  17. “The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP they have run out of better ideas.”
  18. “We seek cities because there are a greater range of girls at the bar, of reproductive choice. But above all, talented people seek cities for fame. They can’t get famous in the f***ing village.”
  19. “I am supporting David Cameron purely out of cynical self-interest.”



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