Anger over "spuriously devised" plans for new Tube line approved for west London

Did you fall for our “Eton Line” April Fool?

A group of local councils has lashed out at plans rubber-stamped by City Hall for a new high-speed Tube line across west London.

With just over a month until the general election, the current administration has pounced upon the opportunity to spend unused funds generated from welfare cuts.

The £4.6bn Eton Line, announced yesterday by Boris Johnson, has generated outrage across Berkshire, Hounslow and Richmond where earthworks will commence next year.

Much of the new line will run alongside the existing Piccadilly Line service, though it will be an entirely separate system.

Tube Map April Fool

The new wine-coloured line will run west out of London, north of Heathrow

The line will have just two stations, one at Eton, and a terminus at Westminster.

Once operational the journey from Eton College to Westminster is estimated to take less than 15 minutes, depending on connections.

Despite the college having previously been located in Zone 6, the new line will see Eton reclassified to Zone 1.

Announcing the plans yesterday, Johnson said: “I love London with a passion. But the exhilaration of subterranean rail travel enjoyed by our ancestors has been thoroughly eroded.

“Many of us now find ourselves creeping through the years of our lives faster than the speed of the grubby train carriage in which we might find ourselves travelling.  I don’t see why this should be the case. I’ve travelled on the Piccadilly Line, it’s an outrage. It stops here, it stops there. Sometimes it stops nowhere at all.

“This is all well and good for most people, but the journey from Eton – that riparian haven I once called home – to Westminster, is a sacred pilgrimage and deserves an underground train decked in the finest livery to honour it. Londoners agree with me, and I agree with me.”

Johnson added that no other stations were needed, as travellers to Westminster would “have no desire to get off in the provinces… unless they need a slash.”

Eton Mess

Stan Dingroomonly of transport campaign group Free For All said: “This ludicrous waste of taxpayers’ money makes a mockery of state-run education and of London’s transport priorities. This spuriously designed scheme probably came from the mayor after a night on the sauce. This Eton Mess is worse than the airport plan, and that was pure excreta.”

Despite opposition from several quarters, many are in favour of the plans.

Eton Line investor Hugh Jowsin-Mayfair said he became involved in the project through a University dining club.

“Eton has always suffered because it is out in the sticks and far away from anywhere. This invaluable new rail link will break down the last remaining barriers between private education and the state. I like to think of it as a secret tunnel. Almost magical. Whoosh! And you’re in power.”

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Readers' comments (3)

  • This is an outrage. My wife and I will never ride on this line. Nigel Farage must stop this.

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  • A great 1st April article - thanks for the laugh

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  • It will never beat the classic spaghetti tree harvest gag many years ago courtesy I think of the BBC!

    Did like the one this morning of changes to car number plates to use bar codes rather than letters and numbers - actually not such a bad idea!

    PS If anyone hasn't yet clicked - check the date!

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